Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin,
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Damn. Katy Perry gets me so freakin’ jacked! Feels like fireworks are literally exploding from my chest.
Fireworks aren’t allowed at the dog park, ya know, a hobbled old woman supervising a kaleidoscope of mange says. It scares the dogs.
Oh, yeah, of course, I reply and shuffle towards the far end of the park where all the unsupervised dogs poop. Read More
Tomorrow is the 4th of July and on that day in 1776 thirteen American colonies claimed independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain. Easily one of the most important days in the history of these United States, July 4th is still celebrated with loads of enthusiasm – i.e. barbeque, baseball, and bottle rockets. Rightfully so! America’s forefathers fought hard for our right to take pleasure in such things.
Unfortunately, this day has also become a platform from which the disenfranchised rain judgment upon the inequalities that still exist in America. And, they may be right. There is much injustice in this land of the free and we should all stay informed of the slights against our nation’s founding principles. Read More
I’m getting old. I’m still relatively young, but the hands of time are speeding up in my disfavor. I sleep a good seven hours, but require naps. I exercise mindfully, but I’m almost always sore. I eat well, but my bowels choose to operate with a degree of efficiency comparable to the United States Postal Service. It’s really quite annoying and it’s easy to fall into a self-shame spiral characterized by bouts of apathy, lethargy, and generalized annoyance. Of course, this only makes things worse, but during these episodes it’s the only reasonable reaction to the awareness that I am in fact getting old.
There is a silver lining in the slow and steady decline in my physical abilities. I am increasingly aware that there is life beyond all the superficial competencies on which I used to measure quality of life. I am more engaged in my family, work, and spiritual wellbeing. I prioritize my mental health over my physical appearance. I have come to a whole new understanding of healthy and happy. Read More
I’m a thinker. I can literally spend all day wondering around in my thoughts, experiences, and desires. Sometimes something fun happens, but more often I simply walk out with nothing more than a smile and a craving for cereal. Then I try and create something epic and that smile turns into a frown. I venture into the deep, dark recesses of my soul, because everyone knows that’s where the great truths lie, and I claw my way out depressed, dissatisfied, and dehydrated. That deep, dark place is obviously bad for my health, but I want nothing more than to Golem creep through the caves of depravity to discover those Precious insights of unrelenting happiness. Read More
I stare at the cursor as it blinks on the empty page. I watch sentences appear and then disappear. I close the document thinking it’s cursed and then open a new one to start fresh. I sigh, fidget, and get another cup of coffee thinking that more caffeine is the answer. I return to the page, it’s still blank, but now the cursor is laughing and pointing at my failure to write something magical. I give up and take out my frustration on the poor soul who happened to send me an email at the wrong time.
This is my writing life some days and it’s an absolute nightmare. All I want to do is inspire others to find the life they deserve, but I’m so deep in shame and self-doubt that all I end up doing is yelling at the automated email to pay my car note and subsequently question my masculinity. Read More
We’ve all been there – lying in bed well past the time we should’ve woken up, staring at the little red notification on our phones, which tells us that 23 people want, need, demand our attention. All of them are pissed and none of them care that all we really want to do is sleep. We close our eyes for one more minute of calm, but the angry voicemails somehow start playing in our heads. Fear takes hold and every inch of desire, creativity, and civility seeps onto the floor. There is no more happy, joyous, and free. All that we can muster is the strength required to be physically present in the world. Read More
Words have tremendous influence over our lives. They can build us up into these mystical creatures of joy and contentment or they can tear us down into the hidden darkness of loathing and desire. Our words can affect others too. They can motivate and inspire or they can discourage and depress. They can nourish or poison growth and fulfillment. Words are the life force from which our wildest dreams or our darkest nightmares become reality. Read More
Yes is a good thing. It can open up new opportunities and show us a world we have yet to explore.
“Yes, I’ll go to the book store with you.”
“Yes, I’ll take on that really difficult project.”
“Yes, I’ll have kale in my smoothie.”
Yes can also open up the lives of others.
“Yes, I’ll show you how to whittle.”
“Yes, I’ll share my experience with you.”
“Yes, I’ll make you a kale smoothie.”
But, sometimes No is better. It hurts and may result in a few awkward handshakes, but there are times when No is definitely the better choice. Read More
“The problem for us isn’t the choice between singleness and marriage, but between letting someone truly know us or not.”
Opening myself to others, letting them get to know the real me, is completely terrifying. What if they don’t like me? What if I say something stupid and they point and laugh? What if I tell them about my recent obsession with comic books and they stop being my friend, or prospecting me for friendship? I don’t necessarily consider myself interesting or entertaining, but God forbid they should figure that one out before I’ve even had a chance to dazzle them with my personality and collection of action figures. Not dolls, action figures. Read More
I struggle with expectation. Those I place upon others and those I have for myself. The former are nasty little buggers that can ruin a day. Someone doesn’t live up to the standard I have set, which I probably haven’t communicated, and I get grumpy, non-communicative, and petty. The later are the evilest of evils that can ruin a month, year, maybe a lifetime. I fall short of whatever standard I establish for myself, it’s probably related to how much money I make, and I fall into a deep shame spiral of inadequacy, incompetency, and a general inability to be a man. I lash out and my friends and family and burrow further in upon myself, into this tiny soul space just large enough to fit my monstrous disappointment and me.
Upset and alone is probably not a very good place to be when your “normal”, but it’s unquestionably bad when you’re stricken with a massive inferiority complex like me. Read More